Dealing with Eldercare Guilt

     

     An often discussed but rarely looked into part of dealing with older age and extended care is the emotional and mental strain on the transition from an elder being able to take care of themselves to assisted living. Often a point of contention between family members as it's discussed on how they're going to take care of their aging parents, for some people it's not possible to accommodate the needs and desires of their parents in their own homes and often have to resort to a elder care or retirement center. This choice is rarely an easy one to make and especially emotionally straining on both the elder and their family.

     Looking into accounts on forums and other posts online we've come across several personal stories that give insight into both dealing with the guilt of putting your loved ones into eldercare, and both the reasoning for why they had come to that conclusion, one story in particular a woman named Marjorie talks about her experience with her mother's dementia and her struggles to help care for her. (found on aplaceformom.com): 

“Dealing with my mother’s dementia, which came on so quickly, challenged every fiber of who I am,” Marjorie recalls. “My mother was a very sharp woman who made me promise, after having dinner with a demented family member, that I would never allow her to become like that. But I had no idea how to deal with this demand once the dementia actually started.

Each time I would leave my mom, I was determined to be more patient the next time I saw her. Then I would fall back into frustration within minutes of seeing her again. This pattern would repeat itself throughout my visits.

One positive result occurred, however-after experiencing all of the feelings of guilt with my mother’s situation, I was clear placing my father in an assisted-living situation was the right thing to do. Because I had bound myself in guilt with my mother, the questions surrounding my father’s relocation were mostly answered.” 

     The reason this particular discussion sparked interest is the struggle that Marjorie faced between dealing with her mothers' deteriorating health and her attempts to help her on her own, and her subsequent decision to move her father into eldercare shortly after her mother passed away. She wanted to be patient and able to be there for her mother, but it's hard to be prepared to deal with a situation like that especially if you're not trained in caring for someone with dementia. Therefore the truth is the guilt will always be there, but you don't have to let it consume you, it's a matter of acceptance and sometimes the best you can do for your elders is put them in the hands of people who know how to care for them. Of course this is always up for debate on how to take care of your parents when they're older but at the core, you have to live your life and if you're not in a healthy head space then whatever you do has the chance of making both your parent's and your life more miserable, allow yourself to be in a good place so you can give your best for your parents.

If you or someone you know is currently in this point of transition in your life, here was an article that was very helpful and insightful for our blog: https://www.aplaceformom.com/planning-and-advice/articles/eldercare-decision-and-guilt